


not without you

by kihyunghyuk



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Insecurity, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Suicide, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-31 20:38:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15127376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kihyunghyuk/pseuds/kihyunghyuk
Summary: “Headass, please tell me you have met your psychiatrist this week or I’m not going to cuddle you”. It worked every goddamn time because 1) Soonyoung likes cuddles. 2) Soonyoung likes Wonwoo. 3) Soonyoung likes cuddling Wonwoo.





	not without you

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so fucking sorry for this piece of garbage  
> just word vomit, rly  
> apologize for any grammatical errors u may encounter  
> i hope you'll enjoy reading nonetheless

Soonyoung thinks it is futile trying to find reasons to stay alive.

 _“Soonyoung, have you set an appointment with your psychiatrist for this week?”,_ Seungcheol never failed to remind him every week, even before Wonwoo was gone. Wonwoo used to remind him too, but in a slightly pissy tone.

 _“Headass, please tell me you have met your psychiatrist this week or I’m not going to cuddle you”._ It worked every goddamn time because 1) Soonyoung likes cuddles. 2) Soonyoung likes Wonwoo. 3) Soonyoung likes cuddling Wonwoo.

Diagnosed with depression and anxiety as early as 17 years old, living an idol life was never easy for Soonyoung. But with Wonwoo beside him, it was bearable. At least he felt living was worth it. It was worth it, trying to stay alive was worth it. Even though there were days where he felt like jumping out of the windows, days where he felt like he’d rather drown himself in a bathtub than let those intrusive thoughts eat him alive, days where he felt like giving everything up. But Wonwoo, Jeon Wonwoo, managed to be the sole reason for him to stay alive.

He lives for Wonwoo. But Wonwoo’s gone. For real. Gone. Dead. Passed away. Deceased. Expired. Perished.

A knock on the door brings Soonyoung back to the reality. He clears his throat, as a sign to whoever was knocking that they could come in. Of course, it is Seungcheol.

Seungcheol sighs at the sight greeting him after he opens the door. Soonyoung is still sitting in his bed hugging his knees while being wrapped in probably 2 layers of blanket. The plate of food on the table beside his bed remains untouched.

Soonyoung fakes a smile. He likes Seungcheol, Seungcheol cares too much about him, not that he needs attention anyway but Seungcheol makes him feel like with his love and support alone, Soonyoung can, maybe, go on with his life. But, that is mostly a wishful thinking. He doesn’t want to be here, not anymore.

“Soonyoung”.

“Yes, hyung”.

“You haven’t eaten today”.

Soonyoung smiles. He pouts a bit before removing the blankets on his shoulders. Stretching his body, he looks at Seungcheol with a pleading eyes. “Hyung, these food taste so bland. Let’s eat out?”.

Seungcheol’s heart almost dropped upon the request. Soonyoung wants to eat out? He has been staying in his room for over a month. His heart leaps, “You want to eat out? Tonight? Really?”. Seungcheol asks with his bright big eyes. Soonyoung almost frowned but he quickly pulled himself together. Seungcheol can’t see him in this state, not anymore, never again.

“Yes, but just us two please”.

Seungcheol nods, he understands if Soonyoung still doesn’t want to be around the other members. Being around too many people could worsen his state of mind and that’s the last thing Seungcheol wants. Soonyoung is showing signs of getting better and he doesn’t want to ruin it.

 

* * *

 

After Seungcheol, Wonwoo was the member who liked spoiling Soonyoung the most. Wonwoo was a sweet, caring, beautiful and everything he could ever asked for. Wonwoo never gave up on him, Wonwoo never told him to get over it whenever he had an episode, Wonwoo always brought him food whenever he had panic attacks, Wonwoo held his hands whenever he felt nervous before going on-stage, Wonwoo stayed right beside him and listened to him vent about his shitty schedules, Wonwoo this, Wonwoo that, Wonwoo was always there.

 _“I can’t do this, Wonu. I’m so fucking useless. I’m shit, I’m nothing compared to other people. This fucking brain, Wonu, it’s useless, I want it gone. I hate myself so much why do I have to deal with this shit Wonu I’m so fucking tired of liv-",_ Wonwoo cut him off by pulling Soonyoung into a hug. Soonyoung sobbed into his shoulders, too sad and tired to fight back.

_“Baby shhh. It’s not your fault you’re not mentally stable, okay? It was never your fault honey. And listen, you’re everything I have ever wanted, you’re everything Seventeen has ever wanted. Soonyoung, you’re a fucking genius, genius choreographer, without you, Seventeen wouldn’t have come this far, okay? I want you alive, Soonyoung. There are so much in this world that you haven’t seen. Life is beautiful Soonyoung I want you to feel it, experience, witness everything beautiful this world can offer”._

Wonwoo promised he would bring Soonyoung travel, just the two of them when their Japanese debut promotion ended, but who would’ve thought, Wonwoo indeed went to travel, but alone, to another world where Soonyoung couldn’t tag along.

 

* * *

 

 

“Soonyoung. I’m so happy you finally decided to leave the dorm today”, Seungcheol says with his mouth full of food.

“I miss the outside world, hyung”.

Seungcheol nods. He reaches one arm out to pat Soonyoung on his head. “You’re doing well. I’m proud of you”.

A wave of overwhelming sadness hit Soonyoung like a truck. If only Seungcheol knows. “It’s nothing to be proud of”.

“Shh. It is, okay? This is a progress. I’m sure he would be proud of you too”.

_But he wouldn’t._

 

* * *

 

As soon as they arrive at Soonyoung’s room, Soonyoung pulls Seungcheol into a hug. “Hyung, thanks”.

Seungcheol smiles. He thinks Soonyoung is thankful for agreeing to have dinner outside today. Little did he know this is the last time Soonyoung would thank him ever. Soonyoung hugs Seungcheol tightly. “Hyung, I really really love you, you know that right?”.

“Of course! I love you too, Soonyoung, a lot. I’m so happy right now you have no idea”.

_I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, hyung._

“Go to sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow, ok?”.

Soonyoung nods. Seungcheol pats his shoulder one last time before he turns his back and walks across the corridor, leaving Soonyoung who watches him walk with a heavy and guilty heart.

_I’ll treat you better next time, I promise._

 

* * *

 

Soonyoung opens the windows in his room. The cold breeze that touches his neck makes him feel even more excited because he feels welcomed. He looks up to the sky and smiles.

_I’m coming, Jeon. We’ll experience more things together there right? You said life is beautiful but I say life is shit without you. Life has always been meaningless, I only pulled through because you were there, you made it bearable, Wonu... I can’t do this anymore. Not without you._

 

* * *

 

 

Seungcheol screams his lungs out as soon as enters Soonyoung’s room after knocking it multiple times to zero response. The windows are wide open, and the wind that greets him sends shivers down his spine.

Seungcheol falls on his knees and starts sobbing. He should have known. He shouldn’t have let Soonyoung be on his own last night. He should’ve stayed. He cries his heart out, yearning for the dead to comeback. Jeonghan who runs to check on him after hearing his screams stops dead in his track once he realizes the windows are open.

“NO NO NO NO”, he yells hysterically. The white envelope on Soonyoung’s bed that he just noticed does not help him to calm down.

“C-cheol… sssoon- soonyoung, Cheol… Where is him?”. Jeonghan’s voice is shaking and so does his hands as he tries to reach for the white envelope on the bed. Tears are streaming down his face as he slowly open the letter in the envelope.

  
_For Seventeen. I’m sorry._

_Shua hyung, thank you for always always playing the guitar for me to lift my mood up._  
_Jeonghan hyung, you are so beautiful and kind I wish you eternal happiness._  
_Jun, I’m so sorry for leaving you I will buy thousands of cats in the next lifetime._  
_You’re my best best friend, Jihoon. Thank you mate, for everything._  
_I wish you continue singing beautifully and gracefully, Seokmin. I hope I’ll meet an angel as nice as you up there._  
_Mingyu, you know I love you with every fiber of my being right? I’m sorry and thank you always. You’re a great rapper and a cook. (I’m sorry for wasting every food you’ve cooked for me for the past one month)_  
_Every KitKat you bought for me after I had breakdowns in practice room, thank you. It was really a great help, Hao._  
_Seungkwan you never fail to make me happy I genuinely wish you never lose your smile. You’re beautiful, Seungkwan-ah._  
_I’m so happy I got to know such a free soul like you, Hansol. I really like you a lot, my dongsaeng. (I’ve always wanted to call you my dongsaeng but I thought it’d be too corny for you)_  
_You know I will miss you the most right, kid? I love you, chan. May great things come your way._  
_And for the ever so reliable and caring hyung, Seungcheol hyung… For everything you’ve done, thank you. I’m sorry for being a lil piece of shit. I will repay you, hyung, in another lifetime. Thank you for being so kind to me. I love you hyung, the best leader of our generation._

_I’m sorry Wonu and I had to leave. I wish you experience more beautiful things in life, Seventeen._

**Author's Note:**

> yea if u couldnt tell im going thru a Lot so i wrote this in under 3 hours to uhh  
> get my mind off things  
> thank U so Much for reading lovelies <3


End file.
